Every year as summer approaches, I work with more and more parents of teenagers whose anxiety rises. I am bombarded with questions from them as their kids finish up a school year: Will they be laying around the house all summer? Will they work? Will they help out around the house? What’s the right tone to set? What are my expectations? Will they be depressed and sullen all summer? How can I best prepare them for the next school year?
I’m currently working with parents who have both of their adult college-age sons at home this summer, joining their younger brother, a high school, junior (NOTE: I do have their permission to share their story). This mom and dad are deeply concerned about a repeat of last summer. To hear them describe it, there were difficult situations they needed to deal with daily:
· Someone was sleeping until well into the afternoon. Sometimes, this was all three of their sons.
· Someone was vaping nicotine in the house. Someone else was smoking weed. All of this was forbidden, at least at home.
· Work was mandatory, but their boys worked a bare minimum, if at all.
· It seemed as if their sons were perpetually staring at their phones, iPads, or computers. They were playing video games, doomscrolling or, as these parents unfortunately learned in a most unfortunate way, watching a lot of pornography.
There was conflict around all of them every single day last summer. For mom and dad, it was an excruciating couple of months. Mom said in our last session that she still hasn’t recovered as her boys pack up and head home for another summer.
And these weren’t the only difficulties this family faced. On the whole, they reported that their boys seemed listless and depressed. They weren’t going out with friends in the evenings, even though their parents were encouraging them to do so. They seemed sluggish and “horizontal”, spending most of their days, and at least part of their evenings, in bed or on a couch.
What’s worse, they weren’t talking much. It wasn’t clear why they were experiencing such a dramatic slump. To punctuate the point, one of these boys last summer told me he was having difficulty getting himself to brush his teeth or take a shower. He just didn’t see the point. And I’ll be honest with you, I hear this from a lot of boys. And I find this is an early sign of depression without a doubt.
If one is not attending to basic hygiene, he is not feeling a great deal of hope and optimism.
For perspective, in previous summers, these same young men were quite engaged. They were athletes and coaches. They held steady jobs during the summers, caddying, coaching, and stocking shelves. They often opted to take a summer school class. They were vibrant, alive and social, out with friends almost every night.
These parents miss their sons, and fear missing them again this summer.
Now, this piece might read like clickbait, the kind of basic evergreen content that you might just be inclined to skip over. You might feel like you’ve read all this stuff before.
But this recent phenomenon among teenage boys and young men is truly different. Our boys are opting out and sedentary like never before. And this trend is never more apparent than it is in the summer.
Why just boys
You might be wondering why this piece isn’t about all teens, tweens and young adults. Well, I am finding the girls I work with are far more engaged, including during those summer months. In my corner of the world, this is the result of boys watching so much pornography, smoking so much weed, and experiencing such a high degree of social anxiety that they are opting out of their lives. And that is never more apparent than it is in the summers these past few years.
In contrast, our girls are far more connected and less depressed. They are with friends. They are dating (apparently, it is a few boys who escape the above traps who are joining them on those dates). They are working. And they are verbal. It’s not that they aren’t going through some things, because of course they are. Adolescence is rough for everyone. But because our girls are overall engaged, connected, active and very much alive during the summer months, we are going to focus here on our boys.
Summer reset
So, if you have one or more teenage boys or young adult men in your household, what can you do to help them avoid the dangerous summer slump? Following are some ideas you can put in place as soon as the last final is completed, or the U-Haul is unpacked. Done well, these can serve as a healthy and crucial summer reset, setting your guys up for a more engaged, productive and enjoyable life when they head back to school in the Fall. It’s a big opportunity.
1. Kickstart healthy habits
As a household, I encourage you to develop a set of habits that set the tone for the summer in your home, and get it going right away. Too often, parents allow for a reprieve from engaging for a week or two after the end of the school year. I don’t think we have that luxury any longer, especially with our boys. I find the shift from inertia to movement to be a particularly difficult one, so I would urge you to start your guys moving, right away.
So, start with some basic summer cornerstones before negative, depleting, self-sabotaging energy takes hold:
· Set consistent sleep and wake times. If you’re allowing a different schedule on weekends, be explicit about that at the start.
· Begin each week with some clarity about what is expected of your guys in terms of chores, work, screens, and so on. Be clear about whether they need to get jobs or take a class. Clarity now, early in the summer, will spare you daily arguments, frustration and disappointment. It’s really about good communication, and it’s super important to make your expectations known. This way, you also protect some time for connection and fun.
· If your boys tend toward inertia, model some movement for them, and with them. Go to the gym together. Take a morning walk. Play games that require movement. Check out letterboxing.org, and do some fun things out of the house, exploring as a family. In other words, if they’re not going to exert the effort to move on their own, and you know that now, kickstart that process for them, and with them.
2. Don’t be a stranger
A lot of young men tell me their parents don’t relate well to them or understand them much at all. In fact, they tell me the lion’s share of the communication coming from their parents is negative, focusing on things they need to do different or better. They will reflect to me that their parents used to be fun and engaging and connecting. Now, it feels as if their parents are policing them, scanning the house for things they have done wrong.
This is not the vibe we want with our kids. Make sure that you are yourself with your boys this summer. They want that from you. They want to connect with you. So lighten up a little bit. Laugh with them. Look them in the eyes and listen to them when they’re talking. These months present a great opportunity for a reset in your relationship.
And please, spare yourself the lectures. I can assure you they don’t work. And they drive more disconnection than anything else. If you want your kids to listen to you, talk with them and listen to them. Please don’t police them.
As a cue here, remember that you want to foster a good relationship with your boys and young men, not just now, but for the rest of your lives. Set that tone this summer.
3. Keep the big picture in mind
As I’m sure you can tell, I think implementation of movement and positive activity is crucial for our guys this summer. But I’d like you to take a moment now to step back and think a bit more broadly. They do not need movement for movement’s sake. The true goal is to boost their sense of self-esteem and self-worth. It is to help lift the cloud of depression and anxiety that many of our boys have been carrying since the beginning of the pandemic. Structure and movement, connection and activity are the methods to get there.
Please remember these goals in your interactions with your guys. I think they’ve been doing their best with what they’ve got. This summer is an opportunity to give them more: more tools, more structure, more energy, more optimism.
Again, it’s a big opportunity. I don’t want us to miss it. I don’t want them to experience another year in darkness. That’s the goal.
4. Model movement
It’s a rough road if you’re preaching one idea while living another. Demanding your kid puts down his phone while your nose is deep in the iPad presents him with dissonance he may well use against you. So, look at this summer reset not only as an opportunity for your boys, but for yourselves as parents as well. Your modeling exerts a more powerful force in the actions of your kids than you might expect.
5. Don’t expect perfection
All that said, I am going to be a bit contradictory here. You are going to want to extend some grace to your guys as well. Establish good habits, but please allow some deviation from them if the day or moment suggests it. If you by-and-large have set the stage for movement and engagement, you’ve moved mountains. You’ve changed habits. And with all of that in the bank account, you can probably now afford some degree of flexibility and fun.
So, allow for the occasional break or day off. Allow your guys to head to the beach or a baseball game. Show them that they can have structure and enjoyment, discipline and fun. Show them that these are not opposing forces - they can be complementary to one another. I think about it this way: summer presents an opportunity to show them the balance you’d like them to exercise during the school year and, more broadly, in their lives.
I’m worried about our boys and young men. So many of them are so very disengaged, depressed, and increasingly hopeless. Be gentle with your boys this summer, and really hear them out. Press them toward engagement and movement. I sincerely believe there’s an opportunity here to reset the tone, not just at home, but the entire tenor of their lives. Let’s avail ourselves of that opportunity. Let your goal this summer be to send a young man back to school feeling better about himself, and more optimistic about his future.
That’s mighty parenting, and a summer very well spent.
Thank you, Chris. That truly means the world.