Midwestern dad masculinity

Midwestern dad masculinity

An answer for our boys?

For the better part of the past year, since I published my book Rescuing Our Sons, I’ve been pretty deeply troubled by the notion of masculinity our boys carry around with them.

I’ve written and spoken at length about how our boys and young men are floundering. They are tapping out of their lives, involved in less movement and activity, and engaged in fewer relationships, intimate and otherwise. They are smoking weed just to pass their time, waiting for their lives to happen. They are alone way too much of the time, playing video games, and watching the grimmest pornography.

Yeah, our guys are in crisis.

And the questions that consistently come up with my young male clients are pretty consistent:

What makes the man?

What is masculinity supposed to look and feel like today?

Am I toxic just being male?

Is it supposed to be like it is for my dad?

Most young guys today don’t think they can lead the kinds of lives their fathers have created for themselves and their families. They don’t want the jobs their dad have, and they don’t think they could acquire them if they did. They don’t want the relationships their dads have. They by-and-large don’t think their dads are happy or joyful in their lives.

To make matters worse, what they’re hearing from their female counterparts and the media is the term toxic masculinity. A lot of young men are internalizing this term as part of their identity. Just by virtue of the fact that I was born male, I think I might just be an aggressive, abusive, useless, toxic person.

“Maybe I’m just no good. Maybe none of us guys are.”

All of that is to say, I’ve heard some pretty hopeless stuff coming from our boys and our young men over the past couple of years.

I have found myself scanning for role models for our young guys, and sometimes someone rises to the surface who shows a deep sense of humanity while being very much a guy’s guy. To be honest, however, nobody I’ve come up with so far has been very convincing too many of my male clients. Instead, many of them wonder out loud if they need to learn to be the alpha male, to take back what’s theirs, whatever that is. Others think they simply just need to shut up, because this simply isn’t their time.

Then a few weeks ago, seemingly out of nowhere, I am introduced for the first time to this Tim Walz guy, the Democratic nominee for vice president. And like a lot of Americans, I am pretty mesmerized by the guy. First, it’s pretty clear this man is a draw, some kind of palate cleanser for the type of man, perhaps a type of middle-aged white man, we’ve been exposed to for so very long. Here are a few things I noticed about the guy that I think matter.

Humility and strength

So, as has become legend very quickly, Tim Walz is a former high school teacher and state champion football coach. Hearing him speak, he seems every bit of that. And you could tell from his DNC speech on Tuesday night that he has that coach’s cadence in the way he speaks. That’s probably hard to shake, and it works. He’s a good guy and a kind guy, but he’s no pushover. He wants to win.

I suspect that if you were a guy slacking off in his secondary years ago, Coach Walz was gonna call you out on the sidelines pretty clearly. He seems like the kind of guy who wanted the best for his kids, and I’ll bet sometimes that’s being pretty tough on them.

Today, he’s a powerful speaker, but he also recognizes his role at the bottom of the ticket. I think it’s pretty cool that this dude understands and appreciates this moment in history, and that he does not need to be the heart of the story in order to be part of the story. Watch him when Kamala Harris is talking. He celebrates her. He’s beyond happy to be second in command to a strong, smart, powerful woman.

Again, that’s one bad ass dude. That humility and strength should be central to our new masculinity. That should be a big part of what we teach our boys.

Walz also carries this unassuming nature about himself. And it’s no act clearly. He stepped on that stage Tuesday night, and the awe and gratitude on his face are the real deal. You can tell this is a man who cannot believe his good fortune. You can feel that he’s returning all the love that’s coming his way. And he’s masculine up there, but he’s neither cocky nor narcissistic about it.

He just reads like a good dude who shows you that things work out if you’re willing to put in the work.

And he’s not trying to be someone he’s not. That authenticity just shines through.

Damn, if our boys don’t need that right now.

Emotional expression

I also noticed as he spoke that Walz feels deeply, and he’s not about hiding his feelings. Tears seem to come pretty easily to this man. And there was a moment during his speech, and anybody who watched was well aware of it, when his son Gus, bawling, stood up and yelled, “That’s my dad!”

I don’t know about you, but that moment really got me. I was crying right there with Gus. I could see the Tim felt that moment too. How could he not? What a beautiful moment between father and son.

Like you, I woke up Wednesday to a firestorm on Twitter about Gus’s reaction. Was it appropriate? Was it too much emotion? Was it, of all effing things, weird?

No, it was pretty awesome. It was one of the most beautiful moments I’ve ever seen. Regardless of any developmental difficulties Gus might be dealing with in his life, he was just expressing sincere emotion and pride there.

As far as I’m concerned, in that moment, Walz already won. To have that kind of admiration coming from your child? Man, there will never be anything to match that. That everyone gets to see it, even better. Anybody who’s mocking or shaming it, that’s on you. I pity you. You’re missing the most beautiful thing.

In the few moments I saw Gus, he seems like a pretty damn good model for positive masculinity as well.

Add to that the fact that Walz is hopeful and optimistic and joyful without shame. We’re all drafting off that, I think. It would not be the worst thing to add these qualities to a new model of masculinity.

Masculinity and kindness

Back to Gus’ dad. So after about a quarter century in military, the guy goes back to teaching and  coaching high school. That alone is a life pretty well-lived to date. But one of the cooler parts of his story to me is that, around that time, the school started a gay-straight alliance club. And like all high school clubs, they needed a faculty sponsor. And Tim Walz recognized that it would represent something very positive if a football coach served in that position.

So he did.

And from what I understand, those kids love him and were inspired by him every bit as much as the football players who played for him.

So here’s a guy who’s tough, but gentle. He’s no pushover, and is happy to prod JD Vance with a couch joke now and again to let him know who he’s dealing with. I think that’s pretty cool, and frankly funny as hell. Walz is strong, but he insists on being kind. He loves unabashedly. He embraces his family with zeal. No rehearsed hugs and kisses here.

Just a husband and a dad who loves his people.

And there lies, I think, the most important thing. This dude seems to be all about love. And it’s that piece that’s most missing for boys and young men in terms of the current working definition of masculinity.

Love is the thing. That’s where strength comes from. That’s what makes the man. Do all you do from a place of love.

Walz loved this country, so he served, over and again. He loved those kids he taught, so he taught them well. He loved those kids he coached, and those kids he mentored, and the love coming back to him is no surprise.

People, it’s that feeling of love, giving it as much as receiving it, that is missing in the lives of our boys and young men. We’ve done a lousy job thus far of making that part of their definition of masculinity. We’ve all but ignored it.

Walz is unwittingly providing us with a beautiful moment to shift that dialogue. I think that Midwestern dad masculinity might be central to our new winning formula.

So thanks, Tim. And Gus. I think you’ve given us a blueprint for a new way forward.