Living my best life in the age of agency

The following is a note to self as well as some thoughts for you.

Things are forever changing, our sole constant. And our best bet is to change with the things, right? Otherwise, we get left behind, or become obsolete or something. That’s what the saying suggests, I think.

But as some pretty big things (let’s say, the American political landscape) enter an era of some pretty enormous, probably awful and terrifying changes, I am finding that a lot of my friends and clients are making promises to themselves regarding their lifestyles and media intake in order preserve their well-being, or manage their anxiety, this time around:

I’m deleting X from my phone.

I’m not going to watch any news. Like, at all! I don’t want to know.

I’m just listening to NPR and the BBC. That’s it! Oh, and maybe true crime podcasts and audio books.

And finally:

I just can’t with media. I’m out!

And man, I get it. Before I turned off my CNN alerts the other day, they were coming in rapid fire, my heart skipping a beat each time as I glance over at my phone to see what the powers that be have decided about the limits they’ve hastily chosen to place on our lives. Once or twice over the past few weeks or so, that little headline has seemed relevant or germane.

But usually not.

Historically, I’ve been a news junkie. I would watch reels and read Tweets and long articles from or about hateful people, people I cannot stand, swearing under my breath at the boldness and glee they seemed to take in recklessly removing the rights of others, typically underprivileged, underrepresented others. Assholes.

Like my friends and clients, I did recently shut off those alerts. I could feel in my body that knowing what was going on in Washington, or anywhere for that matter, moment to moment, would not prove to be a good thing for me. It takes me a few years, but I do have the ability to learn from experience.

I breathe easier now, quite literally.

Like a lot of us, and a lot of writers here on Substack, I’ve been reevaluating things, giving consideration to how I want to live my life now, given the recent change in circumstances. But also, how do I want to live my life more broadly? What’s the vibe I want to carry within myself from here on? What’s the vibe I want to bring to others in these troubling, fragile times? What do I have to offer now, and how do I want to feel?

And perhaps most importantly, what do I have actual agency over in all of this? That’s been the question that’s vexed me the most, that I really had to turn over and over again in my mind.

Team Zen

For the past decade so, my very dear friends, Cathy and Todd Adams, have put together a very, very special weekend for parents and listeners of their excellent podcast. They call it the Zen Parenting Conference and sadly, this year’s was the last (though I know they will come up with something even cooler going forward). I’ve enjoyed the exceptionally good fortune of speaking at the ZPC very year. I’ve loved it more than I can describe. Most years, it’s one of my very favorite weekends. It refreshes my sense of connection and my faith in mankind. I laugh and I cry, literally.

This year was no exception.

Saturday morning, before Cathy and I were scheduled to present, I had a little time in the large hotel meeting space. I sat alone for a few minutes in the expanse of seats, and let the moment wash over me. I was excited. I was a little sad that this was ending. I gave some serious thought to what I wanted to bring to this rare and special day.

As I sat there, I realized that what I wanted for that Saturday mirrors a lot of what I want to bring to my life in general, over these next four years for sure. But also from now forward.

So, here goes a brief list of ways I intend to show up in this world, given some of the awful givens in this country, but without ignoring any of the beauty and humanity on this planet:

Show up

The first thing that struck me in that room is that I wanted to ensure I didn’t miss it as I so often do in circumstances like this. I didn’t want to just present some boilerplate material, move onto the next thing, and forget it all. I wanted to show up and be fully present, informative, funny, joyful even. For every single participant in the audience at that conference, and for myself.

I wanted to be able to hold a series of snapshots of this day in my mind, the beautiful faces, the stories shared, the laughter and the unadulterated joys.

And I realized I want to do that every day. Like, for the rest of my life. Our interactions with each other are so precious, the words we share, the eye contact, the hugs. I can’t imagine the CNN alert that we should allow to buzz in and take that away from any of us. So when we’re together, I want to be there, for you and for me. Perhaps this practice is simple for you, a given. But I know myself and my anxiety well enough to know that I need to be deliberate and intentional so that I don’t miss it, so that I can hold it. I’m holding myself accountable here.

Yep, I want to share stories of heartbreak and victory and ridiculousness and joy and sorrow and humor, all the stuff of life.

I don’t want to miss any of that.

And that, I have agency over.

Spread kindness and goodwill

This thought also crossed my mind as I was sitting there alone for those few minutes. And I felt my face change in real time. I found myself smiling, not broadly, just with gratitude for the day and for the moment and for the brief and precious time with these people. I’ve been to enough of these conferences to know that the moments would be filled with kindness and goodwill. And I really wanted to do my share in spreading and receiving all of that.

We have agency over the way we treat one another. From today forward, I intend to exercise mine with ever-more intention.

I am going to be more clear and expressive with people I love. I received a text this morning from one of my favorite humans:

“hey! I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am for you.”

This made my day and set the tone for my week, literally. I wrote back, letting her know how much I adore and value her presence in my life. Like me, I suspect you’re lucky to have a lot of love in your life if you take a moment and consider it. Let the people you love know. Let’s not withhold any of that.

This, I believe, is how good and kind win over all the rest of the noise.

And part of this mission is to allow myself to remain in awe of the power of humanity, and kindness, and nature. Drawing my lens back and taking in the world that way brings me immediate perspective, and a corresponding sense of calm and peace. Like the expanse of the universe, our deepest connections with one another are inherently healing.

This, we have all the agency over.

Consume all the art

Art is a funny thing. At times, I’m not sure I know what it is. In their opening of the conference, Todd and Cathy were presenting and taking questions from the audience. They’re amazing at this, and the tone and tenor and openness and acceptance and love that they lead with felt like art to me.

Meanwhile, I noticed that in between sessions, a lot of our conversations were art-based. At a parenting conference. People were asking Julie questions about her art studio, eagerly perusing her Instagram to see what she’s created. She and our friend Shayne, Todd’s sister, also an artist, compared notes and admired each other’s work. There was such beauty in those moments.

On Friday night, Glenn Phillips, lead singer of the band Toad the Wet Sprocket, was set to perform for our group. I had some passing familiarity with the band from 25 years ago, but wasn’t sure I was interested. And then he started playing, a stunning acoustic-electric set (a plugged in acoustic guitar is among my favorite sounds on the planet). I think we all carry around our favorite music from eras in our lives. But if you strip a band away and you just put a man or a woman up on a stage to play their music with an acoustic guitar, you’re getting a more beautiful, intimate, personal experience every single time.

One man’s opinion, but I’m right on this one.

Glen told little stories in between the sweetest songs. He brought the most charming SoCal vibe, and he was so, so good. He had such a unique touch on fingerstyle guitar. It was a surprisingly lovely experience. I cannot wait to see him again.

During his set, Cathy asked me if I’ve been playing guitar, and I haven’t. That’s going to change. I’m going to play and write and sing with abandon.

And as I write this bit, Julie comes over to show me a reel of a song, a transgender boy playing a song in tribute to his family and their unconditional acceptance of him. Music and art are emotional and powerful and beautiful and I want more of all of it in my life.

Julie and I were talking after Glen’s set about how much we love live music and how little we make space for it in our lives. We decided that night that we will be seeing a lot more live shows.

And instead of watching political reels that agitate me, I’m listening to comedy – Nate Bargatze, Tig Notaro and Mulaney are all way up on my list for ongoing, reliable laughs.

And instead of doomscrolling, I’m reading all the beautiful reads. Unabridged Books here in Chicago is my newest obsession.

Placing our attention on art in all its forms, we have agency over. There’s power in our art.

Stop making the worst assumptions

I need to call myself out here as this is a significant flaw of mine. I have been living under the false belief that I can profile the entirety of a person’s character if I know, or hear whispers of, a fact or two about them. And my inclination is to quickly judge and label them the bad guys.

I should know better. Doing my work, I know that once you sit across from a person in a sacred, safe environment, their true colors are allowed to shine forth. And to a person, the people I work with all prove themselves to be kind and generous and empathetic despite how they present to the world outside of that room. I wrote a Substack a while ago entitled People are Good to remind myself of that reality. If you question that these days, I’d encourage you to revisit that essay.

Take good care

I can tend not only to my mind, but my body and spirit as well. I intend to eat well, and run and lift, gaining strength, not weakness, through these days. I can eat cleaner, attend to my sleep, and manage my time and energy better at work.

This, I have agency over.

Consume the news, but not all the news

This is where it gets tricky for me. For the last decade or so, I have been a news junkie. I would consume news in the car on the way to work. My Twitter feed was supercharged with news of the day, typically from voices I vehemently disagreed with. I listened to or read news between sessions every day. I created a belief system suggesting that the more I knew about the other side, the more prepared I’d be to take them on.

Instead, quite honestly, this scrolling pattern left me feeling angry, depleted and on edge.

But I’m not ready to pull all news off my phone and out of my life. I really like to be informed, and I think it’s so very important, especially right now. I want to know if oppressed people are being hurt by new policy (and Lord knows they are, in real time, right now). I want to know if inequity is being amplified. I also want to hear about any good news coming out of the national press. So, I’ll read the New York Times digest every morning. I’ll check the news once or twice over the course of the day.

But I refuse to give my time, energy, space and power to men (almost always men) who are hell bent on cruelty. The way I see it, the less we attend to their antics, the less power their actions carry in our lives, in the world. Our agency is frustratingly limited in the macro these days, though I’m open to that changing. If there’s a rally to attend, letters to write, or even testimony to deliver, I want to be there for that. I want to be on the better side of history, which to my thinking will always, over time, bend toward justice and love and compassion. Though the past couple of days have been discouraging to say the least, I stand by that.

But I’m not so naïve in this moment. I know that we have people that are going to need our help, our voices, our protection. I also know I’m painfully fortunate. The middle-aged, upper middle class white guy is decidedly not in the crosshairs right now (maybe after this Substack, we’ll see). But I know I need to be informed enough to be there for all humans who are being held down, oppressed, threatened or hurt.

And in the micro, I personally need to do my work in earnest, playing my part in healing the pain of this broken world, doing what I can with young people to set us all up for a brighter future.

I have agency over that.

So, here’s my wish, my dream for these days. First, I don’t want myself or any of us to live in fear, or holding our breath, like I have for so many days in the past. I refuse to believe that a few people occupying a few chairs can exert so much impact on our lives when there are millions upon millions of people doing their part, raising good people with everything they’ve got, contributing to the greater good, filled with goodwill and even better energy.

Leading with love. I saw it in spades this weekend. I know we all have that capacity within us.

We carry more agency than we know. Let’s spread our beauty and kindness regardless of an election outcome, or a terrifying platform. Let’s override. Good triumphs. Let’s prove that.